Tail-twisting Jokes 

Warning!! Please be warned that some of the jokes may be deemed offensive. Please exit this page if you don't feel comfortable.

What does an elephant ask a naked man: " You breathe through that?"

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

 Two drunks were sitting in a bar talking. One of them said, "Light travels from the sun to the earth at 186,000 miles per second. That's really fast."The second responded, "I'm not surprised. It's downhill all the way."

It is said that Dr. Prof. Gen. Alhaji Idi Amin Dada Ph.D, CBE having conquered declared himself the conqueror of the British Empire, (and revised the Border with Kenya) called his advisors to announce the next assignment:
Gen. Idi: " We have conquered the British Empire, now we must conquer the American Empire"
Advisors: " Al haji that task is impossible"
Gen. Idi: " Why?"
Advisors: " Those people have even gone to the moon!"
Gen. Idi: " Have they?, We shall go to the sun!"
Advisors: " We might get burnt"
Gen. Idi(annoyed): " You think I am stupid, we'll go at night"

The Doctor's Visit
An old couple go to the doctor.
The old man goes first to have his physical.
When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "No, physically he is OK, but I'm worried about him mentally."
The old woman questions, "Whatever do you mean?"
The doctor says, "Well I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great.
He said that when he got up to go the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "Son of a gun, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."

This very religious lady inherited a parrot named Suzie from her aunt. It happens that the aunt used to run the local house of ill-repute in a Northwestern logging town, and the only thing Suzie could say was, "Hi, I'm Suzie. I'm a bad girl, let's have a good time." She tried everything to cure this, but to no avail. The religious lady told of her plight to the local priest and he said that he knew of two very religious parrots named Peter and Paul at the district parish. He felt that if Suzie were placed with Peter and Paul, their religion would rub off on her. So they took Suzie to the parish and placed her in the cage with Peter and Paul. She immediately said, "Hi, I'm Suzie. I'm a bad girl, let's have a good time." Whereupon Peter turned to Paul and said, "You can put that prayer book down now, Paul. Our prayers have been answered."

The Queen of England decides she wants a Kentucky thoroughbred in the royal stable, so she calls President Reagan, who decides to meet her in Lexington, Kentucky.
When they get there, they decide to go for a ride. They're just pulling out of the barn when the Queen's horse's tail goes up and "Lbbttt!" - out comes a monstrous fart.
The Queen says, "I'm so embarrassed!"
Reagan says, "You shouldn't be! I thought it was the horse!"

 Recently the Pope decided that he could save some expenses at the Vatican by learning how to drive himself. That way they would not need to pay for a driver everywhere he went.

The following month, there were two motorcycle police in Washington D.C. who were on traffic patrol when they saw a white limousine blasting down the expressway.

The younger wanted to catch the speeder, but the older one said, "Forget it. It's probably some big shot politician who will just get the ticket fixed."

Not to be discouraged, the younger gave chase. He returned a short time later, rather more quiet then when he had left.

"Well, did you write the citation?" asked the other officer.

"No."

Was he some big shot, like I told you?"

"Yeah. I think he was."

"I'll bet he was some Senator or something. Right?"

"I, uh, don't think so. I think he was bigger than that."

"You telling me that was the Vice President?"

"No, I, uh, he was bigger than that."

"Don't tell me you stopped the President!"

"No. I think he was a lot bigger than that!"

"Just who do you think is bigger than the President?"

"Well," replied the younger, "I couldn't see who was in the back seat, but he had the Pope driving for him!"

On saying Grace: During the time the church was being persecuted in Rome, a Christian was thrown to the lions. As he waited to be eaten, he knelt down and prayed. Looking up, he was surpassed to see the lion also kneeling in prayer. Seeing, the look of bewilderment on the Christian's face, the lion said to him "I don't know what you're doing, but I'm saying grace"

Golf joke: There was once a pastor of a medium sized evangelical church, he was a good man, a good pastor but he had one weakness, golf.

One Sunday morning he woke up, preparing his mind for that morning's sermon when he had a look out of the window. Oh what a glorious morning, the sun had broken through the weeks of greyness and the sky was clear blue. At that moment he decided he had to play golf, even if it meant missing Church; he had a good team around him after all. So he phoned the associate pastor, explaining he was sick in a croaky voice,
"Can we pray for you?" they offered
"No, no it's not as bad as that" he croaked back and left them to take the service.
A brief pang of guilt was forgotten as once again he peered out of the window.
Up in heaven St. Peter, seeing all this wandered over to Jesus,
"Lord", he said, "have you seen what your servant is doing down here?"
"Yes Peter", replied Jesus, "don't worry, I have it all in hand"
"Okay Lord" said Peter and went to see what was happening now.

What was happening was the Pastor was lining up his first shot of the day, his wife left at home with a despairing shack of her head.
He breathed the cool, fresh air, "This is going to be a beautiful day" he thought to himself and let swing.
Crack, what a beauty, the ball sailed down the fairway.
"Oh yes this is going to be a beautiful day" he thought.

Again in heaven Peter walked over to the Lord and questioned "Lord do you see what's happening here?"
"Peter, Leave it to me, it's all in hand"

The round was going wonderfully, in fact probably the best game he had ever played, yes, the best without a doubt, shame he had none to share it with, but circumstances prevented that really didn't they.
And suddenly there he was, the famous 18th hole, an enormous par five of renowned difficulty, could he maintain his form? Many a game had been lost on this one!
He lined himself up, took a final glance down the fairway to where it turned a bend and swung.

He had never seen his ball go so far, it was amazing, though it must overshoot the dogleg and go into the trees, what a shame. But no, it seemed to hit a tree and go around the corner, WOW what luck. He hurried down the fairway and rounded the corner until he saw the green still some way off. Now how far had it gone, where was that ball? He just kept on walking, no sign of it anywhere, surely it hadn't reached the green?! No he couldn't see it at, NO, it's impossible, AMAZING, there lying still IN THE HOLE was his ball. A HOLE IN ONE, HA HA, A HOLE IN ONE, AMAZING!!

Up in heaven that was just the final straw,
"WHAT IS GOING ON?" Peter yelled, "did you see that, did you do that? Is this some grace thing again? What are you doing Lord, your servant abandons his flock for some foolish game, lies to his elders and makes his wife do the same and this happens?! You give him the most amazing game he ha ever played and then that ridiculous hole in one, what's going on?"
"Yes Peter" replied Jesus, smiling,"I did give him all that, but there is one thing that you forgot...who's he going to tell?!!!!"

Thanks to Simon Patrick

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next
to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start
due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the
pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced
that a round of free drinks would be served.
When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the
doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then
asked the minister whether he wanted anything.
He replied - "Oh No! - thank you. I would rather commit
adultery than drink alcohol.
The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to
the air-hostess saying ...
"Madam, - I did not know there was a choice."

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing a tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

One day these two girls were hired to clean this guys house. While they were there the AC broke so one of the girls said, "Hey, since no one is here and its so hot in here lets take off our clothes. "The other girl agreed. So they took their clothes off. Later that day they heard a knock at the door. One of the girls went to the door and asked who it was. "Blind man," the person answered. The girl said, "Hey, since he's blind he can't see us." so she let him in. As soon as the blindman stepped in he said, "nice tits where do you want these blinds."